I’m Not Ready.

And it’s true. I’m not. Because late at night, at 12:33 AM, I just finished typing out the final sentence of the final book in the Enchantria series. And… I just can’t believe it. Because this is a world I’ve spent nearly two whole years in. A world I built myself. A world that I poured my heart into!

And now here I am, on a Friday morning. Just finishing up the Author’s Note and the Acknowledgments. And I can’t believe it. One might expect someone to feel… joyful, at finishing their book series. That wasn’t it for me.

After all, what does one do after they’ve poured their heart into a book series for two whole years and now just finishes typing the last sentence of the final book at 12:33 in the morning??

The answer to that is – promptly burst into tears.

And I just really can’t believe it. I don’t feel excited or happy. I just feel… Well, both amazing, and totally, totally… scared, I guess. I feel a bit like there’s something missing in me. But that’s not quite right. More like, there is something in me, something that’s grown into something big, wide, and impossible.

Now, I haven’t exactly shed a ton of tears yet. I still have some more editing to do (seventh draft anyone?). But I have promised myself. The second I receive the paperback editions of books three and four in the Enchantria series, I will burst into tears.

Because by then… it’ll be official. Enchantria will be out in the world. Completed. Finished.

It’s both an ending and a new beginning. An ending I am sad about and a beginning I am looking forward to. I guess that happens a lot in life. And it was while writing the Author’s Note that I really realized what had come out of writing this book.

And I guess it’s time for another heart-to-heart.

~ ~ ~

i am scared.

i am not ready.

and i have never felt more scared and not ready in my whole entire life. but to say that all i feel is scared and not ready is a lie. yes, i do feel scared and not ready. but i also feel the opposite. i also feel brave and hopeful and ready.

it contradicts being scared and not ready. and yet, that’s what i’m feeling. because it feels like this journey is coming to an end. i don’t want to let go. i don’t want to leave. yet at the same time, i do want to let go. and i do want to leave.

i want to let my story out in the world, into the hearts of others. but i also want to keep it to myself and hold it tight to my heart at the same time.

why?

i’ve been asking myself this. but i guess it’s because this story is a piece of my heart. it holds my hopes, my dreams, my fears, and everything in between. to put it in someone else’s hands is scary. but sometimes that’s what you have to do.

this story is a part of me. a piece of my heart. and to put it out there feels like letting go of it.

i once asked ‘what’s the different between capturing a story and freeing a story?’. simple at first glance. but so complicated at the same time.

maybe i already knew the answer.

stories are meant to be told, after all.

they are meant to be passed down, generation by generation. they are meant to make their way from one heart to another.

maybe that’s what it is to free a story.

to put it out there in the world. and to give. to let your story… not be yours anymore. or at least, not just yours. to let others peek into your heart. to dare others to believe.

i feel like i’m barely scratching the surface. i feel like there is so much more to stories than just that. but those are my thoughts, i guess.

and maybe courage means that you are scared. that you’re not ready. but you do it anyway. you do it because you need to.

maybe courage also means giving courage to others. daring them. asking them the same questions you’ve asked yourself over and over. what makes a hero? where do we belong? what is home, really? and how do we stand up against darkness when we’re not a hero about to save the day?

~ ~ ~

So, yeah. No doubt… this is scary. And to be honest, I’m not sure what to do with this – with all these questions. But I guess I’ll just have to go about it, word by word. Again, not sure if I’ll publish this. Not sure what you guys are going to think about this other part of me.

But if I’m going to try and write stories with this part of me… I might as well start here, right?

Best,

Isabelle Knight